David Sedaris

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

The only thing I’d ever been taught to say was ‘I don’t understand.’

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

I’d hoped the language might come on its own, the way it comes to babies, but people don’t talk to foreigners the way they talk to babies. They don’t hypnotize you with bright objects and repeat the same words over and over, handing out little treats when you finally say ‘potty’ or ‘wawa.’

The best part about you is I don’t feel so alone anymore.

You can’t kill the spirit.

I’ve had to learn to live with disappointment.

It’s not the same thing as happy. It’s living in a way you’re not ashamed of.

I figured the only thing that would make me feel better was pie. I don’t mean a little taste of pie, either. I mean the whole pie.

Sometimes the sins you haven’t committed are all you have left to hold onto.

I’d never forgive myself if something happened to me while you were in charge.

I’m not one of those people who lives for travel. I’m more of a ‘stay at home with a book’ person.