I Am Not Myself These Days Summary

Kilmer-Purcell's memoir clearly shows how an alter ego can transform a person, especially through his drag persona, Aqua. Aqua is not just an escape; she helps Josh explore parts of his identity that his 'day job' as an advertising art director could not. The careful creation of Aqua — from the elaborate makeup and wigs to the stage presence — is a metaphor for how many people deliberately craft their self, on or off stage. This persona allows for radical freedom of expression, enabling Josh to navigate his sexuality, insecurities, and desires in a way his 'real' self initially struggled with, ultimately blurring the lines between performance and authenticity.

Kilmer-Purcell's narrative offers an honest look at New York City's drag and club scene in the late 20th century. The allure of glamour, competition, and community is clear, but the book also shows the darker aspects: financial struggles, the emotional toll of constant performance, the cutthroat nature of beauty pageants, and issues of addiction and casual cruelty. It paints a picture of a subculture that, despite its outward flamboyance, is built on grit, resourcefulness, and often, desperation. This duality shows that even in the most dazzling environments, human struggles persist and are often amplified.

A key theme in the memoir is the idea of a 'chosen family' within the drag community. For many, including Josh, traditional family structures may not offer acceptance or understanding, leading them to seek belonging elsewhere. The book illustrates how drag queens, often ostracized by mainstream society, create support networks, 'houses,' and friendships that act as surrogate families. These relationships provide emotional support, practical help, mentorship, and a sense of belonging in a world that often rejects them. This chosen family is a buffer against loneliness and a source of strength for navigating personal and professional challenges.

Kilmer-Purcell's journey as Aqua shows a relentless pursuit of a dream, even when that dream is unconventional and difficult. His ambition to become a successful drag queen, to win pageants, and to gain recognition comes at a significant cost. The narrative details the financial strain, physical exhaustion, emotional vulnerability, and constant pressure to perform and outshine competitors. It highlights that ambition, regardless of its form, often demands substantial personal sacrifice and can lead to moments of profound doubt and burnout. The book humanizes the often-glamorized notion of 'making it' in any competitive field.

One of the most compelling paradoxes in the memoir is how Josh finds his authentic self through the artificial world of drag. By creating and inhabiting the persona of Aqua, Josh is freed from the societal expectations and inhibitions that constrain his 'everyday' self. The artifice of drag — the makeup, the costumes, the exaggerated femininity — becomes a mask that, ironically, allows him to reveal deeper, truer emotions and aspects of his personality. This journey suggests that sometimes, by stepping outside of our perceived 'real' selves and embracing a creative or performative outlet, we can gain insights into our core identity and desires.

Kilmer-Purcell's memoir subtly critiques the transient nature of external validation and the superficiality inherent in a world obsessed with fleeting beauty and performance. Despite the highs of winning a pageant or receiving applause, the narrative consistently returns to the quiet moments after the show, when the makeup is removed and the persona is shed. These moments often bring a sense of emptiness or unresolved longing, highlighting that external accolades, while thrilling, do not provide lasting fulfillment. The book suggests that true happiness and stability must come from within, rather than depending solely on the cheers of a crowd or the sparkle of a costume.

The memoir intimately explores Josh's romantic relationships, particularly his difficult one with Jack, against the backdrop of his demanding dual life. It examines the challenges of maintaining intimacy and honesty when one partner lives a secret or semi-secret life, and when nightlife constantly pulls them away. The relationships are marked by passion, jealousy, addiction, and heartbreaking codependency, reflecting the broader struggles many face in finding stable connections amid personal chaos. The book does not shy away from the pain of loss and the difficulty of letting go, even when a relationship is clearly detrimental.

Kilmer-Purcell's memoir is fundamentally about the psychological toll of living a double life. While the initial thrill of secrecy and the contrast between his advertising job and his drag persona might have been exciting, the sustained effort to keep these worlds separate creates immense internal pressure. The constant fear of exposure, the need to compartmentalize emotions, and the difficulty of truly integrating his experiences lead to stress and internal fragmentation. The narrative implicitly argues for the importance of authenticity and integration, suggesting that true peace comes not from maintaining separate identities, but from finding a way for all facets of oneself to coexist harmoniously.

Beyond the glitter and the drama, the memoir ultimately champions the acceptance of imperfection — both in oneself and in life's trajectory. Kilmer-Purcell's journey is far from linear or flawless; it is filled with poor choices, heartbreaks, and moments of self-doubt. Yet, it is precisely these imperfections and the messy reality of his experiences that make the story so relatable and powerful. The book encourages readers to embrace their own convoluted paths, to find beauty in the struggles, and to understand that growth often emerges from chaos rather than from a perfectly curated existence. It is a reminder that authenticity does not require flawlessness, but rather courage to be seen, warts and all.